Borrowed wants
What we chase isn't what we choose
What do you want the next five years to look like?
The answers usually come fast. A bigger house, the car that says we made it, a house in the right neighborhood. None of it’s wrong, but a lot of it sounds borrowed. Like a list someone handed them years ago.
Seth Godin wrote a post last week about status symbols. The zip code you live in. The stroller. Knowing about wine. Almost none of it has to do with money in the bank. We notice status, and we’re good at it. Here’s the post.
Most of what we chase isn’t about money. It’s about being seen a certain way. We pick up a thousand messages about what a good life looks like, then spend years paying for them.
I wrote about lawns once. Believe it or not, they weren’t always a thing. They started as a status symbol for nobility, a way to show you had enough money to leave good land sitting there as grass. Most of us never chose the lawn. We inherited it. And once you see where the want came from, you get to decide. Keep the lawn, or get the rock garden that actually fits your life.
There’s a version of you that knows what it actually wants. And a version that knows what it’s supposed to want. The second one is louder. It’s been talking since you were a kid.
The supposed wants are easier to say out loud. It’s easier to say I want the lake house than I want to stop feeling behind. So couples build a vision out of shoulds, then can’t figure out why the plan never feels like theirs.
A life built on what you should want runs out of gas. A life built on what you actually want runs on its own.
This isn’t about wanting less. Keep the house and keep the lawn. Just sort out which of the things you’re chasing are actually yours. Some of them are. Find those, and do more of that.
That’s why a money date starts with the life, not the budget. A budget can’t tell you what to want. It just pays for what you already chose. Sort the borrowed wants from the real ones first, or you’ll fund someone else’s idea of a good life.
Before the numbers, one question. If nobody was watching, what would you two actually want more of.